note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
