so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
