Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
