But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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