if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I want to fling myself into the sun
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