apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
