The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
