How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
