She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize