hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
