3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
