Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Randomize
