at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
