if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize