there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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