He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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