Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
