We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
