Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
