she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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