I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
