I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize