I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
