last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
