I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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