Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
