Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
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