Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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