So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
