My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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