Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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