I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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