Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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