He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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