I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a hot homeless man
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
