my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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