He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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