Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I fill condoms, not promises.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
