When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
