is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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