Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
