I think im going to throw up on grandma
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
