I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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