and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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