I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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