I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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