Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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