Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
