just come out here and I will go home with you...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
