Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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