I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I use my feet as sexual weapons
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
