Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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