don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize