I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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