got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
