Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
