I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
