Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
