Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
