just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
