Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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