i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
