taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
