i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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