I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
