Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize